I Don't Deserve Them
by Shy-Shadow Reckless
Summary: I really don't, sending me the fellowship is a bad idea. This is why.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own them, not likely to in the foreseeable future.

I Don't Deserve Them 

In a strangely unfanlike way, I have always been pleased that the Fellowship has never appeared in my home. For starters, apart from what was decided during odd conversations with my sister after reading too many fanfics, I would have nowhere to put them. Not enough rooms, beds or showers. More than nine people sharing a shower, that's just wrong.What am I going to do about sleeping arrangements? Pitch a tent in the backyard and make someone sleep out there? I know I'm Australian, but it's winter and it'd be cruel. Although we now have a rather interesting in-joke about a Legolas sandwich with man-bread.

And what would I do with them? I don't have any of the clichés, no Playstation at my place and I can't afford to take them all clothes shopping. I can't drive anyway. I have to call my cousin and then he and Taylor might then promptly move in and I'd be forced to sleep in the backyard. Movies are probably out as well, can't really afford it and the sword-swinging epics seem to be on the way out anyway. Trying to explain something to them in a movie theatre might get me attacked by fellow moviegoers and I might have accidentally not returned a DVD or two to Blockbuster and owe a huge fine which I can't afford to pay back yet.

I don't cook either. Disasters tend to occur when I attempt to expand my repertoire. If you were from Middle Earth would you really want to survive on scones, pancakes, jelly and toast? That's all I can safely make. Pizza for every meal is out of my financial league too. Besides after more than two days of that, I'd mutiny at the idea and most of the Fellowship is bigger and/or stronger than I am.

A few of them staying might be okay, as long as it wasn't a permanent deal. Leaving with the deceased, yet somehow transported to my loungeroom, son of Denethor could get wearing, especially if you think about the fact that without an identity the chances of him getting arrested by immigration or someone are pretty high. He couldn't really get a legitimate job and I doubt he'd be the househusband type either. Same with Haldir. I can't imagine him living here forever, unless I bequeath him to my relatives should something happen to me. I can picture the reading of the will, "And to my sister, or her children, I leave Haldir of Lothlorien. Ignore him when he's snobby and lock up his weapons when you have guests." In theory I'd have to support them too, and how could explain potential spouses to them? Or them to potential spouses? Forget in-laws, meeting the resident Middle-Earthians would be scary. I mean, I assume that Boromir or Haldir would be at the least vaguely interested in my well-being. (In the case of Boromir I'd hope he'd genuinely like me rather than tolerate me). I'd also assume that they would be armed as well. If they surfed the internet or watched cable (which I do have), I'd probably be lucky if they let me leave the house. Imagine trying to sneak out past them, they'd take shifts or something very military.

Then there's the issue of when they'd actually arrive. Are they going to whine the entire visit that they have to get back to their mission-quest-thing? Or would I get the slightly more peaceful post-quest Fellowship? Problems there since I'm a Boromir fan, would I get Faramir instead? And what about pre-quest? How pre-quest would it be? I don't know how I'd cope with their adolescent versions and wouldn't it affect canon for them to meet too early? Plus I just know I'd accidentally let something important slip. Whenever it was I'd have to be careful since really it's not too far to the sea from where I live. I wouldn't want Legolas to be suffering from sealonging too soon. That does put a damper on the taking all of them to the beach and getting to see them in boardies idea. (sans Gandalf and Gimli) Although if Legolas did want to sail west he'd have to cross an entire continent.

If I got the Fellowship in the middle of the books, would Gollum come along for the ride? Would the ring still have power? Will I have to worry about becoming disturbingly attracted to gold jewellery? I always preferred silver. Do I get the movie versions or will I stare blankly at a Fellowship that I don't recognise? I did read the books so some of the descriptions don't match and frankly, I always thought book-Legolas was a fruitloop.

Then there's the age-old concern of mine, would they speak passable English, Shakespeare type English, Chaucer style English, or gibberish? Shakespearean I'd be able to figure out eventually, Chaucer I'd smile and nod politely and gibberish I'd pass out or dial the nearest Tolkien purist. (Note to self, find out where nearest one is)

But back to my house and the lack of space. I'd also have to hide things from them, the movies, the books, the poster on my wall and many files on my computer. The entire computer, there would be no way to hide fansites from them and unless the slash stories are true, they might get a little upset. Not a good idea when they're heavily armed. Or I could withhold food privileges until I get the swords, axes and bows locked up somewhere. It'd definitely work with the hobbits, but I get the feeling someone in the Fellowship would be able to pick locks. My money's on Aragorn.

But I am being a little self-centred. I've been mostly wondering how I'd cope with them. How would they cope with me? I'm bitingly sarcastic, messy, can't cook, can't drive, wear jeans obsessively, don't work full-time and can't quote obscure facts from the Silmarillion or paragraphs from The Lord of The Rings trilogy. Though they might appreciate the last two. I listen to music turned up too loud (unless it's a Discman), watch too much TV and too many movies, read too much fanfiction and on occasion have the attention span of a concussed duckling. I'm also lazy (being brutally honest here), I consider the floor temporary bookshelf spacesince the real bookshelves are full and I am more likely to wave a hand in the direction of the fridge than get up to get them a drink. And none of them would be allowed to smoke in the house, or anywhere near me. I'm most likely impossible to live with, especially if you suffering from culture shock and I'm guessing the Fellowship would be. But at least I don't really swear all that much in normal conversation and I'm out of school. Not that there's anything wrong if you do. Or are.

So, Fate, Destiny, Valar, Lady Luck, Coincidence, or whoever it is that arranges these matters, dumping them on me is a really bad idea. I can't guarantee their return in anything that even remotely resembles pristine condition.

That said, anyone know how to get Pippin to close the fridge door?

Author Note: Thanks to Terry Pratchett for the quote and to the many good fanfics I've read where the Fellowship shows up in people's houses. Good luck coping with them.


	2. Chapter 2

Lemme check, nope, still not mine.

When Elladan and Elrohir Move In

Let me just say before I start what will probably be a long rant, I have nothing against identical twins. Two of my closest friends are twins. They don't look the same to me anymore though. I just think that I'd have a few problems with immortal elven twin sons of Elrond. Most seem to agree that they'd be pranksters in their spare time and be more than willing to annoy someone like me given the chance. And if they suddenly found themselves in my lounge room they'd have ample opportunities to drive me insane. (Once they were done with the yelling part.)

I'd probably annoy them too. It'd take me a while to be able to tell at a glance if the twin I'm talking to is Elladan or Elrohir. It would be pretty irritating to be called, 'Which one are you again?' or 'Ella-Elro-whatever the hell your name is'. (I should know my mother expects me to answer to my name, my dad's name and my sister's name, not to mention a combination of all three) That time would be great to learn Elvish insults, as I'm sure quite a few would be hurled at me. But that's a short term problem that could be easily solved by dying one of them blue or something. But then I'd have to deal with the consequences. It'd be like most brothers, no matter what they say or do to each other, if you attack one, you attack the other and must deal with brotherly defence wrath. Elladan and Elrohir are good at wrath and vengeance. Suddenly that's not seeming like such a good idea. Forget I mentioned it.

Then there's the standard problems of them having no identity here and being unable to legally work and running the risk of being arrested by immigration or possibly the mental health authorities. But at least now I got a new job that pays a lot better than my old one and could actually afford to feed them. I'm still never taking them to Wal-Mart, partly on principle, but mostly because we don't have Wal-Mart in Australia. (I'm sure if I looked hard enough I'd find something similar to never take them to.) I'll just wash their clothes a lot, or make them borrow my cousin's stuff. (He's nicknamed Big-Bird for a reason)

But apart from stereotypical twin behaviour, I wonder what Elladan and Elrohir would be like. Will they understand my current obsession with James Bond, (you can blame Elenhin for reminding me how much I loved Alec Trevelyan), or would they prefer to spend their time watching cartoons on the Disney Channel. (I would never let them watch Bambi though) And somehow I can't picture them wanting to spend day in day out hanging around my house. I tend to leave it on occasion. I suppose even with the current drought Australia's getting greener by the minute so they could wander off into the wilderness for a while. But imagine explaining to Ranger Stacey or Ranger Tim that you're worried about your twin elf friends who wandered into the National Park a month or so ago. I'd be the one committed and then Elladan and Elrohir would wander back and wonder where I got to.

There's the worrying about what would happen to them when they'd eventually outlive me. I've mentioned bequeathing Haldir to relatives, and I might have to do the same to them. Unless they're willing to live a hermit like existence in a remote part of the country living off the land. Or maybe they could find a job on a sheep station or something that pays cash in hand. They'd have to give up their weapons for that I'd say.

But that's if they hang around long-term. And if they decide hanging out with me is a good idea. That's the thing that gets me about some stories, no one ever seems to not want the responsibility of looking after Middle Earth guests. And no Middle Earthians seem to have permanently run out on their non-official guardians. Wanna know my thoughts on how it's more likely that I'd end up looking after them? (If you don't want to know my thought I'd suggest you stop reading and ask yourself why you are) The doorbell would ring and I'd find Elladan and Elrohir (or the Fellowship the scenario works for all) standing there looking lost (or possibly homicidal) while my non- LOTR loving friend drives off in 'I'm free!' glee. That friend would probably have had Playstation, enough room a better job etc. as well. At least that way I wouldn't need the icebreaker of hitting them with a frying pan because I thought they were burglars.

So short term stay with Elladan and Elrohir. How do you send them back anyway? It never rains on cue in Australia recently (not even if you wash your car or have a picnic planned), so no mystical thunderstorms. I'm not so observant as to notice the phases of the moon and I'm not so stupid as to actually wish that they'd show up. Wishes on stars very rarely come true as I found out when I was eight and wished for a giant Snoopy. (I am giant Snoopy-less) I might have to rely on elfy-wisdom and finding the nearest occult specialist.

Just a thought. What the hell do I do if I get the five year old versions (or the elf year equivalent) of them? I'd go insane even faster. Knowing me I'd give them too much sugar , they'd become lunatic twin demons on a sugar high and when that ends badly in a sugar low, start wanting their parents. (understandably) How would I explain them to the authorities, I'd lose custody in a heartbeat. I may be primary school trained, but in my opinion kids only get interesting once they hit seven year old. Kindergarten kids are my idea of hell. Plus at that age they'd be very in to the 'I bet you don't know who I am' phase. And I'm sure living with me at such a young age would be a scarring experience and I'd disturb canon by screwing up the sons of Elrond.

I'd like to optimistic and say it'd be fun. I like the characters and I'm a fan. But mostly, I really hope they come without weapons.

AN. Thanks to Elenhin for reminding that 006 is great and to my twin friends, who deserve to be thanked mostly for putting up with me for so long.


	3. Chapter 3

Lemme check...nope still not mine.

Now For The Bad Guys

There is one avenue of Middle Earthians appearing in our lounge rooms that we, the fanfic writers, have never considered. We've dressed the Fellowship at Wal-Mart (some of us have at least, not me personally), irritated Middle Earthians that annoy us, drooled over our favourite boys in boxer shorts and driven their mental health to a dangerously fragile state. It occurred to me about five minutes ago while looking over a failed story of mine. I've mentioned having to confiscate weapons, hiding them from various authorities, but,

What the hell do you do when a freaking ORC appears in your living room!

Hiding comes to mind. Running would also be on my list. Then calling the cops, imagine telling that story to 000 operators. It would be beyond scary to have those residents of Middle Earth living in your house with you. I'd go right past swearing and straight to paraletic, cowering, whimpering terror. It's not like a handy Ranger/elf/dwarf/Steward's son/Rider would save you. I've yet to meet any of them in Australia. Except that guy at the LOTR exhibition, but he was just weird.

It's not like you can bribe orcs into good behaviour. The type of things they'd want would be things I'm not willing to give. I'm with Merry and Pippin on this issue, I like my legs still attached. The orcs would probably try to eat my poor kitties and inspire my one moment of suicidal bravery. I love my pets obviously.

Conversation would be limited too, even if I did get a Uruk-Hai. That makes them sound like a present. Ugh. 'What did you get for Christmas Shy-Shadow?' 'I got a minion of the Dark Lord, wanna trade?' This whole conversation idea is assuming I wasn't gutted immediately. What do orcs talk about? Ambush tactics? Beheadings? Sounds like a conversation for a Slayer, not a teacher. Maybe orcs would like really, really, really violent and disturbing movies. Can't see me renting too many DVDs for them though. Too many visions of maiming. And since I'd rather keep this PGish let's gloss over the possibility of my fate being similar to Celebrian's. I'd like to keep my sanity. I vote for just agreeing they would not be my preferred houseguests.

You couldn't palm them off to anyone else either, I've yet to hear of an orc fangirl/boy.

Then Sauron. The eye himself. How do you explain a giant flaming eyeball to your neighbours? I bought it on e-bay and there was a problem with metric conversion so it was bigger than I thought? How do you keep him suspended like he is on his tower? (Name of tower escapes me right now. Is it Cirith Ungol? Maybe, can't remember. My copy of the books have vanished into the black hole that is my room and I don't relish the idea of cleaning. I might actually find orcs lurking under stuff in there) Would Sauron set of the smoke alarm? I mean he doesn't seem to be actually burning, just flames. I think I'd have enough problems without the smoke alarm screeching at me. Will he burn carpets, blinds, furniture or my eyebrows? I fear yes. Would he try to take over the world and try to make us all his minions? Probably. Is it morally wrong to consider posting him (in flame proof box) to the Prime Minister? Again probably. Although imangine the look on his face. 'Ooh a present!' opens box and Sauron emerges in flaming (and angry) glory. 'Aaargh!'

Or can Sauron levitate himself? I could have a few moments of fun with that before trying various methods of extinguishing him. That would solve the Sauron problem you gotta admit and be kinda fun too. I'd try a bucket of water first, then as many different fire extinguishers as possible. Except the one for electrical fires, that would just feel silly.

I could have a staring competition with him, and probably lose, then taunt him about being unable to blink. I could throw out the stove and cook on him. Mmmmm Sauron flamed grilled burgers. Sounds catchy. I could toast marshmallows on him and once I figure out what s'mores are, I could make those. I hear they involve chocolate. This is all assuming he's pretty much powerless of course. Or is it remotely possible he'd arrive pre-Isildur all be-ringed and all powerful? Huh. Rather no think about that. I don't wanna be a minion.

Let's consider Ringwraiths instead. Just as terrifying really. You'd need a handy-dandy Ranger around again then you could toast marshmallows on flaming Ringwraiths. You could rent them out to debt collectors, I guess. See if it is possible to have a conversation that doesn't involve screeching. Come one, they're really old and they were human once, maybe they'll say something worth listening to. Or maybe they'll just sniff a lot, like they did to creep out Pippin. I could run a revenge service with them or something. 'Is there someone you don't like? Send them a Ringwraith-o-gram! They'll never bother you, opr any one else again! Call Now!' If I could convince them to fight for us, maybe they could join the Australian army. No one would dare to make any more shrimp on the barbie or Steve Irwin jokes then! Would that make me morally bankrupt? A deal with the devil sort of thing. Nazgul, I think there'd still be a lot of running on my part. After all I know where the ring is. In theory anyway. With my grasp of geography I could give a vague guess. Actually Frodo would be quite safe, with my directional skills they'd end up in a hitherto unknown land beyond Harad. Is there a Middle Earth equivalent of Timbuktu? That's where they'd end up.

Not that I'd try really hard to send them back to Middle Earth, it'd be more like sending them away.


End file.
